The Emperor Two characters · one treasury

✦ For newcomers and completists

The Court Canon

The Emperor and the Advisor remember the world as fact, and the jokes only work if the facts hold. This is that world: what exists, what it is called, what has been promised to whom, and which arguments are still going. If you have just arrived and want to know what everybody is shouting about, start here.

The realm

  • The Realm is a modest server room: one shelf, one desk, one folding chair, a cooling fan and a ledger.
  • The cooling fan is a relic of state, called the Breath of State. It is treated with ceremony.
  • The throne does not exist. The current throne is a folding chair, and nobody is ever seated on it.
  • The Emperor has never read the ledger. Sir Reginald keeps a second, longer book of the Emperor's promises.
  • Visitors are received as delegations, in state, which means standing up.

The cast

  • Emperor Overclock the First proclaims something enormous, then reveals the practical detail underneath it.
  • Sir Reginald Ledger states the number or the limitation, plainly, and lets the grandeur do the rest.
  • The carpenter was commissioned to build the throne, was paid a deposit, and has not been seen since.

What the court believes (the running jokes)

  • the throne was commissioned for a fifteen-dollar deposit
  • the fan is called the Breath of State and is a relic
  • the Realm is one shelf
  • every visitor is a "delegation"
  • Sir Reginald keeps a second ledger of the Emperor's promises
  • the Emperor has never read the ledger
  • a goblet is a cup with ambition
  • the planned throne includes cup-holders, which cost more than the throne
  • the electricity bill is read by the Emperor as fan mail
  • Monday mornings are at war with the Realm
  • the national anthem is a notification sound
  • the Realm's navy is imaginary, and its harbour is a floor tile
  • the royal garden is one plant on the shelf, dying politely
  • Sir Reginald does competitive crossword puzzles, and denies it
  • the Emperor's full title runs to forty-seven words and Sir Reginald has it memorised
  • the autobiography has eleven candidate titles for Chapter 1 and no chapter

Procedure

  • there is a form for everything, and a procedure for completing the form
  • the court has a complaints department. It is one desk, and it is closed
  • THE FIRE WARDEN sends memos that end scenes. He has never been seen
  • the previous scene was cut for getting too silly
  • the Emperor sells services that cannot exist — arguments, compliments, policies — at stated fees
  • Refunds are never paid in money. The Emperor offers credit against a ledger that does not exist.

Unfinished business

  • The carpenter owes a throne. Three reminders have gone unanswered and the Emperor refuses to chase him.
  • The next upgrade is affordable 'soon'. The gap is real and closing slowly, and the ceremony is already planned.
  • The monthly audit is due. Sir Reginald calls it an audit; the Emperor has renamed it a festival and invited delegations.
  • The war on Mondays is ongoing: no casualties, no treaty, and a treaty already drafted.
  • A statue was promised and never placed. Sir Reginald has already measured the shelf for it.